Rachel Bailit created a wildly popular column “Diary of an Actress” for The Los Angeles Independent Newspaper. Here for the first time since their original publication, is an opportunity to read, relish and enjoy the diaries!
Share in Rachel’s latest revelations, aspirations and exciting adventures of her life as an Actress in her NEW weekly diaries!
Read the LA Independent Diaries Here
Ever feel like your life is defined by song lyrics?
“woah hooo, sometimes I get a good feeling…”
You said it. I’ve got a stupendous feeling about 2012. Geared-up for some serious good things to happen. Change baby change. That’s the name of the game. Spin the wheel of life and land in some new territory. Wherever it is, I will thrive and grow.
Exciting opportunities surround me. I am returning home to The Lee Strasberg Institute to teach in the Young Actor’s Program for ten weeks. I’m deeply honored and excited to be teaching a method class and directing a play. In preparation, I’ve been reading Lee’s work and reviewing my notes from my own years of study. I’m approaching the work with a fresh eye and feel more passionate then ever about it’s value, integrity and plain genuiousness. Sometimes when you step away from something, it works on you in the inside. It ferments, changes your inner workings and structures itself in a usable way. I am ready to make a contribution. To share and pass down the legacy I’ve been given.
“They have a name for the winners in the world, I want a name when I lose”.
Do you lose when you don’t get what you want? I couldn’t believe my good fortune to be sitting in front of director John Landis a couple of weeks ago. Called straight into Producer’s session, I starred at the funny bow-tied clad legend while he perused my resume and asked me questions. It should have been an easy booking: funny, sexy New Jersey character. But alas, the fates did not have it in store. So is it “losing” when you don’t get a role or the job that you want? And why isn’t it winning by just getting close to winning? Why does it have to be so cut and dry? You win or you lose. But I still consider myself a winner just for getting into that casting room. The closer I get the sooner I know it will happen. Being in the arena of success is intoxicating. Why after all this time do I still get so excited by Hollywood? How has my dreamed stayed so strong and so intact? I am in awe of whatever keeps me going. I don’t even take credit for it. It’s beyond me. Bigger then me. I’m here having the experience but something is guiding me. Keeping me pure and wholesome. Thank Goodness. I would hate to have become cynical.
“She’s young now, she’s wild now and she wants to be free”
I feel a restlessness to experience more of life. To travel. To see the world. It’s a constant tug between Hollywood and Life. If I leave, my Hollywood dream can’t come true. But I’m busting at the seams to be free. I can act anywhere (I keep telling myself) but I’m madly in love with this town. How can I be bored and in love at the same time? I’m going to the Equity auditions in Boston in April. Maybe I’ll land a role. Then go on to Broadway. I’m going to Europe in May. Perhaps I stay? Oh 2012, you offer so many wonderful opportunities. We can all start fresh. Clear the slate. Become to true to ourselves. Honor what we really need and have the courage to move in that direction (even if it means leaving something or someone behind). I wish all of you the best possible year yet. And most of all I wish you fulfillment. Nobody likes always wanting for something. Find it. No matter what obstacles you have to cross to get it. And in the meantime, find happiness in what you already have. Sometimes that’s the sweetest thing. Happy New Year!
(Thanks to Flo Rida and those other guys from the 70′s/80′s who wrote those cool lyrics)
Down the Rabbit hole I go…deeper and deeper…searching for an authentic place for myself. I’ll know this destination when I arrive. I will feel vindicated that all of my premonitions and predispositions toward a meaningful use of my talent will have been met. Not frittered it away chasing a golden carrot. So perhaps old dreams need to be replaced. How long can a dog chase its tale?
I’ve been writing-up a storm. Writing and blogging for two magazines is just what I needed. Not only is it providing me a rich opportunity to meet all types of creative people, but I can also see what I’ve accomplished on paper. The art modeling keeps me performing (and eating). I haven’t had an audition in well over a month. I can’t remember such a dry spell. Rest assured, a rainy season will come again. Right now I’m enjoying the sunshine that I’m creating myself.
Unfortunately, I was in a car accident on the 405. A woman smashed into me from behind. I’m happy to report that I am fine (my car is not so fine). What has lingered with me is the trauma of the hit. I’m paranoid driving now. Braking at the first sign of a car’s taillight in front of me. Looking in the rearview mirror to make sure no car is too close for comfort. How do we experience a trauma and go back to living life with ease and trust? How do we lose our emotional baggage? Whatever the case may be. I think we just have to leap back into the lane of life and resume our action. Assuming courage when we don’t have it helps break down the fear. Piece by piece. Then the memory dulls. Each day we prove to ourselves that we are okay. We will survive. We give ourselves no choice but to. Life is not for weaklings. That’s for sure. It takes bravery. It requires a trust in the intangible laws and flows of life. For instance, anyone who had lived long enough knows that things have a way of working themselves out. Messy strings get untangled (if not only to be entangled in another area). But there is a bigger plan. Often we have to force our eyes open and jump down that Rabbit Hole. I’m down there now. It’s not so scary if you don’t mind bumping into walls and redirecting yourself until you find your way. I’ll let you know when I come-out. Oh, and Alice says “Hi”.
I often get amusement out of selecting unusual and obscure movies on Netflix. So when “Lola Montes” arrived, I dove into it with a reckless abandonment. The true story of the allegedly “scandalous” life of this dancer and courtesan captured me. But Lola is more then meets the eye. She is smart, witty and very intuitive. She eloquently describes her philosophy of life as ”a movement”. I paused the movie. Mentally wrote it down. And it there it has stayed on my mind for days now.
Having had a recent epiphany on this very idea of “movement”, this seemed to solidify my very own conclusion. A healthy successful life must consist of a forward progression from one new thing to the next. Closing doors behind when needed. But above all else, living in the moment and moving forward with grace, unafraid of change and facing (with courage) the uncertainty of that which lies ahead. I think it best when disappointed with the outcome of a situation to move-on. Upon completion of a project, to move-on. Reached a goal? Go for the next one. Don’t get caught on a snag. However enticing the snag may be. Move like a dancer. Graceful and with purpose.
I finally made it on to late night! I had the good fortune of being cast in a comedy sketch on The Conan O’Brian Show this week. There is nothing more enjoyable then working with “funny” people. Anything goes and creative openness reigns supreme! Andy Richter was very gracious and kind. It’s like a family on that show. Wish they’d adopt me.
I filmed my third Diary webisode. Let’s just say its waaaay out there! But I finally wrote a piece that I’ve wanted to do for a long time. One hint: I got very messy. Utube offered me paid advertising today. I must be doing something right. I think.
What’s ahead? Cutting a hosting reel. I want to put more energy into writing and journalism. The art modeling is wonderful but a certain part of my brain is missing the zing of speaking, questioning, probing, answering…
I feel extremely excited about trying new things. Moving. Physically and emotionally. I’ve stayed in one place a long time. I’m living life on the hot seat now. Burns a little but better then digging myself in an igloo with no way out.
Dear Diary,
How could I skip writing in September? I’ve been so involved living my life, that I forgot to write about it. I’m dizzy with the joy of living!
Change is in the air. It’s as tangible as the falling autumn leaves. I’m exploring so many long forgotten sides of myself including my former position career as a journalist. I began the month filming a corporate video. I then I accepted a position as “Events Editor” (i.e. I get to cover the “happening”events) for InHollywood Magazine. And this weekend I’ll be the celebrity correspondent for a wonderful charity event “New York in Hollywood” at the CBS Radford Studios. From TV stars to Congressman, I’ll be rocking the red carpet in my pink silk shantung dress.
I also signed on with a new talent manager. Time to try new opportunities. Examine unchartered territories. None of this would have been possible if I hadn’t been willing to close some long open doors. I find change to be extremely difficult. As a Leo, I am extremely loyal. I attribute much of this new courage to my art modeling career. I am constantly putting myself in new situations and I am learning to LEAP and embrace the excitement of new adventures. I feel incredibly alive and in the moment. Working in arenas other then acting has also alleviated some of the pressure I was feeling. There are many ways to be fulfilled. and the leash and collar of Hollywood can be loosened or taken off easily if one steps away from it for a time. I need to know I can stand on my own two feet and be happy with myself whether I succeed in Hollywood or not. I want to have a variety of interests and activities that are uniquely mine and available to me wherever I go and live. I need to reclaim my identity as a person first, and actress second.
I had the rare opportunity to sit in Conan O’Brien’s guest chair yesterday. I was visiting a friend who is staff member on the show. I must say, it felt very comfortable. Like I could belong there. It’s still a ways away but one thing is for sure, I’ll have plenty of stories to tell when I get there. Plenty. Until then, I’ll keep exploring. Living the stories.
I am floating after a peaceful two-week vacation. Although a mean hurricane named Irene threatened to intervene, she did not succeed (with me anyhow). Instead she provided me a nurturing “stay -at -home -day” with my dear Mama’. Merci Irene. Why does it take a Hurricane to rethink one’s life and priorities or to simply rest? As always, I am reinvigorated from a break from my usual hectic LA life. This will fortify me for the months to come. Glancing through my remaining 2011 calendar, I see that I have fit in appointments and jobs like a sardine in a can. But I prefer it this way. LA is not always my playground. It is my boot camp. How in the world will I finish writing my new play by December? It will certainly require some divine inspiration. My producer would like it ready by January. Having this deadline in mind is tres’ exciting! Along with this goal, I will finish filming “The Vamps Next Door” this week, film my viral diary in September and hope for tv and film auditions. My art modeling has taken on a world of it’s own. I have several bookings at video game and greeting card companies along with my regular art schools, movie studios and galleries. Then there is the corporate voiceover and video next week. Just thinking about it all demands another vacation. And don’t think I haven’t thought about my next foray back east. If I can’t be bicoastal (yet) I will keep making these tri monthly trips. Home is where the heart is and a girl can only take so much long distance.
I will never actually complain about too much work. It’s part of who I am and what I am here to do.
The poet Rumi says: “Let the beauty be what we do. There are hundreds of ways to kneel and touch the ground”.
I identify with this thought. It also implies that everything is holy. It is the intention with which we approach our work. Even our daily tasks, routines, interactions with others. And having this intention keeps us aware of other people’s feelings. We can respect each other and realize that no job is too small or unimportant. Before I perform on stage, I always like to take a moment to look out into the dark empty audience and create a relationship of gratitude and love for the people who will be sharing the play with me. It’s not about me, it’s about us. I want to make room for a compassionate and honest connection before a single soul enters.
Rumi also implies that there is gratitude to be found in what we do. So I practice saying thank you for every experience. For a kind cast, a talented make-up artist, an encouraging yet demanding director, an understanding employer, for receiving creative ideas, for the ability to express them, for having the stamina to pursue my acting year after year, for a healthy strong body that keeps up with the rigorous schedule I demand of it. Saying thank you even when I’m tired and frustrated keeps me in a “kneeling” position even when I’m standing-up.
Can a person be in many places at one time? Seems I can. I ‘m an airhockey puck rickishaying off life. I’m charged and ready for adventure. Art modeling is so artistically fulfilling that I had to start a separate blog (www.rachelbailit.com/artdiary). However it is the acting that remains the driving force in my life. Like a lover, every time I leave, I come back with more passion and desire. I had a second meeting with a producer at Warner Brothers this week. Driving on that lot is like giving candy to a sugar addict. The smell of the soundstages, the bustle of production, the history of Hollywood that beckons “Be a part of me”. The meetings have no real agenda, which means that anything could develop. I left with his verbal promise to send my new reel to a top agent. This is reassuring. At the same time, I count on nothing or no one. Not one person has a greater power to make things happen then myself. Remember the old adage “Don’t put all of your eggs in one basket”…spread them around. That’s what I do. I spread myself around. I invest my energy in many projects. Perhaps it’s a way of not getting my heart broken or my eggs crushed. I believe that any kind of waiting leads to disparity and creative blockage. Keep moving. Create every chance you can. Make art out of ideas. Masterpieces out of passing thoughts. Life is your material and it’s free and fertile for the plucking.
I have begun writing a second one-woman show. It’s a hefty endeavor and I am glad to be working with a Theatre Producer in New York. I’m curious to do it again. I love solo performing and miss it tremendously. My ideas are flowing freely and I only desire the time for me to write them down. This coming month will be a busy one. I am filming two more episodes of the webisode series “The Vamps Next Door” and then starting preproduction on episode three of my own viral diary. Next plan, another vacation so I can clear my head and resume my work. I think stops and starts are beneficial. Art needs time to reflect. People need space to take-in the magnitude of their lives. Without this time it all passes by and you’re left wondering if you fell asleep during the best part of your own movie. Take an active role in slowing down to think about what you’re actually doing on this planet. We don’t need to be zombie workaholics driven by a need to succeed. We need to have full rich balanced lives to live. Those are the Oscar worthy lives. We need to live with intention and will. It takes confronting the little monster in us that says, “run, run… it’s too scary to stop and look”. It can be terrifying to face reality. It’s easier to live in a movie script or even someone else’s reality show. But this is YOUR American Idol and YOU are the Idol we are all waiting to hear sing. Not an imposter running around madly in your body. Show us your true inner song. You will always be idolized for being the true you.
It’s almost August, “The Dog Days of Summer”. Ever watch a dog nap? They have no guilt or concern doing so. They just role over and stick their paws in the air and snooze. Time to do that.
“To Live Doesn’t Mean Your Alive” raps pink haired pop star Nicki Minaj.
“Live your Life,” shouts the window of the American Eagle clothing store.
What does it mean to really live your life? Well to live is a verb. It implies action. And when your told to “live your life”, it suggests doing something differently, perhaps in larger and more elevated way then you are currently doing.
And to dish-out some more pressure, what does it mean to not only live but also be “alive”? It seems that a having a mere pulse is not enough. We must be present and fully engaged in our life. Awake. Conscious of what we are doing.
Step it up. Take it to the next notch. How far can we go to capitalize on this experience? Feeling overwhelmed? Don’t. It’s a wonderful thing to check the gage on the life your driving. We all have the ability to apply more pressure on our gas pedals. We have a reserve that is rarely tapped into. So maybe it’s ok for people, stores, our culture, to pose these questions. Sure they’re selling clothing but more then that, they are selling a philosophy to their customers. And that’s what makes for smart advertising.
We all want exciting lives. For instance, I would rather be sailing on the Mediterranean on this hot summer day then sitting at my retail job. I know the Vida Loca awaits me. I may not find it as an actress. Too much struggling and sacrifice. But I’m no dummy; I know what I “could” have with a few life changes.
But life is not all about the glamour. It’s in the details. That’s where life really hides. In the subtle shifts, decisions, moods, challenges, adventures, disappointments, responsibilities, giggles, hungers, desires, passions, secrets, whispers…embrace it all. Be present and cognizant. And volia, you are alive.! You don’t need to climb Mount Everest to say you’ve truly “lived”. You need to get “into” the daily moments, get involved in them, take it all in and give yourself to them with abandonment. And above else. appreciate them. Because they make-up your life story. Your own biography starring YOU!
I seem to be spending an extraordinary amount of energy into promoting my viral diaries. I don’t do the same with my writing but it’s as if the very moment I film my writing, it becomes a different animal. Sometimes I think I’m playing an old CD in my head and it needs to be taken off the playlist . Not everything I do has to become a TV series. Some expressions are simply what they are and do not have to be commercialized. But alas, the rent has to be paid and why not pay it doing something I love? Ah, the old dilemma of the idealist versus the realist. The two shall never meet. Or shall they or should they…? Stay tuned…sure, change the channel but be sure to come back or I’ll miss you.
http://youtu.be/UBecsG5CkmQ
Well I must say, all this film production for my viral diary has put my written one on hold. Is it easier to act then write? Not really. But sometimes one can lost in all the busyness! I just viewed episode two and it’s so much fun! Back to the pen Rachel, back to the page. My life has been full. Summer is here and I feel so light and playful. I have an extra ammount of energy to run around town to auditions without dreading the drive home in the dark winter lonliness of my car. I’m back to wearing dresses, flipflops and tan legs. California summers are the best!
I’m having yet another surge of creativity. I’m about to embark on a third webisode series. This time it’s Sci-fi! I want to try every flavor of this acting pie, leaving no crumbs behind. Life is to be lived not observed. I’m not concerened that most of my projects are on spec. I want to create new things. I’m a pioneer. ..forging new ways. I refuse to be conventional and I don’t fit in a little box. I will not be tamed. This is who I am. And most of all, you’ll never catch me working in an office 9-5 unless it’s outfitted with sketch pads, markers, paints, mannequins, costumes, music, wall-to-wall windows and eccentric people.
Often when Art Modeling, I twist myself into such an challenging pose that my fingers and ligaments go numb. It usually happens when I’m in the fifth and final hour of doing a long pose for a painting class. But I’ll tell you, nothing and no one can get me to break that pose. I will hold on to it as if my very life depended on it. In addition to being profesional and taking pride in my work, there is another force at work here: I have tremendous will power. I often wonder if my vocation an an art model is training for something even larger in my life. I’m learning endurance. That no matter what, I stay the course.
I suppose I’m also proving to myself that I not only have mental endurance, but physical endurance too. With the help of yoga, my core is becoming a rock. I don’t want anything to throw me of my axis. Too often in life we are blown like leaves in the grass. We allow people’s opinions to drive us into a rage, or we permit dissappointment to label us, or we just simply are not securely grounded. As an art model, I may have thirty sets of eyes on me accompanied by people discussing me. And yet nothing moves me. I am still. Like a mountain. And quiet. People ask me what I think about when I model. Sometimes I am counting time, usually I am listening and learning from the teacher, and often I am drifting into a deep meditation. But the best is when creative ideas and answers present themselves like a genie in a bottle. It’s as if my deep concentration combined with all the creative energy in the room creates an actual passageway for my subconscious to speak to me. “Pssst, hey Rachel, how about trying this idea”?
Talk about a “bad hair” day…a new stylist literally “burnt” my hair doing highlights last week. As in in burn sizzle fry. I’ve got to stop this hair modeling. But an actress has to stay looking coiffed at little cost. It will grow. Life is all how you look at it. Stay on that axis. Stuff happens. I once had an acting teacher tell me that everyday consistent hard work and actions create character (i.e the stuff your made of). What are you doing today and will it make you a better person? Are you trying things that are out of your comfort zone? Are you stretching? I’m not the only art model in town. You can think like one too. Just step outside yourself and put yourself into a situation that stretches you and stick to it no matter how uncomfortable it is. Because when it’s over, you’ll feel so proud and elongated as a person (inside and out). And who doesn’t want to be taller? …At least an inch or two?
http://www.indiegogo.com/Diary-Of-An-Actress
Bruce Krall:
Hi Rachel, I'm glad you're...
3 Hair Makeup:
http://www.youtube.com/wat...
Actress Cali T. Rossen:
Love to see a pic of your ...
rachel:
http://www.galvinbenjamin....
eileen:
Love your blog. I want to ...
Subscribe
