Rachel Bailit created a wildly popular column “Diary of an Actress” for The Los Angeles Independent Newspaper. Here for the first time since their original publication, is an opportunity to read, relish and enjoy the diaries!
Share in Rachel’s latest revelations, aspirations and exciting adventures of her life as an Actress in her NEW weekly diaries!
Read the LA Independent Diaries Here
…its Sunday night live! And boy do I feel alive. I might as well have taken a shuttle to the moon because that’s just how surreal the LA to New York transition feels.
Let me first say how lovely it feels to be flown-out to do a reading of a potentially new play. I feel like Cinderella. My matching glass stiletto slippers have always been Broadway and Hollywood. Rehearsing in Times Square has an authenticity of it’s own. Surrounded by a city that loves and supports theatre (while theater equally supports it’s city), it only feels natural to meet in a rehearsal room in the basement of the theater and get to “work”.
This is my third time reading my role of “Francine”. She lives and breathes in my skin. When I play her, it’s as though my eyes see differently, my mind functions at another pace and my heart feels with an extra layer of sensitivity. As much as I am the character, I am not. The Francine’s in the world are delicate butterflies. To have access into her world requires me to call on the utmost innocent and untouched parts of myself. Perhaps this is why I love being her, because I wish I could feel safe enough to be her all the time.
I had the wonderful opportunity to work on The Conan O’Brien show again. I was lying in my acupuncturist’s office with an army of needles in my back, when my cell phone rang. I carefully answered. I was asked to be on set in one hour. So much for Chinese healing. The needles were quickly pulled; I hoped in my car and headed to Warner Brothers. Never knowing in what capacity they will use me, I was slightly amused to be cast in a comedy sketch as the “Easter Hooker”. Now being an Actress who not so long ago did a one-woman show on stage speaking for sixty minutes, I had not done a non-speaking bit in quite some time. But I was so pleased and grateful to be on working on a wonderful show, on a set, and being a part of something bigger then myself…that there was no ego to contend with! What an incredible sign of progress for me. My comfort and confidence in myself has grown. Also, nothing is more humbling then being out of work as an actress. It’s good for you. Struggle can reshape the ego. Setbacks can make the mind stronger. And failure is really success if you use it to help you grow. Btw, The Conan show posted my image all over the Internet. I await their next call eagerly. Sure I can handle huge acting roles…when they are available. But I can also smile, look pretty and have a fun time with grace and gratitude.
We all can. How we carry ourselves determines how we feel about ourselves, which in turn affects how others feel about us. Sometimes we have to use the magic “As if”, that we use in acting.
So live “as if”" you are completely satisfied. Or even better, feel fulfilled with your exact circumstances as they are today. In finding the worthy things, we make room for more to come. And there is more…the journey is just beginning. Good Night New York.
An Actress needs a muse, and for all times, good and bad, mine has been Marilyn Monroe. Perhaps it’s due to some similarities we share: I once lived in a house in the Hollywood foothills where she lived as “Norma Jean”, she studied with Lee Strasberg, I studied with his son David, she too was stereotyped for her curvy and voluptuous figure and had a vulnerable childlike quality.
But what’s more important is that many actresses and men and women, feel the same as I. They all carry pieces of Marilyn in their psyche and hold a special esteem for her in their hearts. She has come to represent all that is pure, misunderstood, lovable and innocent. A sense of comfort when we feel alienated and alone. A sense of inspiration, when we want to feel sexy and mesmerizing.
For a fuller figured woman, she gives permission to embrace our femininity and timeless womanhood. For an actress, her commitment and passion to her training is absolute. She read voraciously, wrote poetry and was inscrutably in touch with her own feelings; all necessary components to success as an actress. She survived a tough childhood; one which could have easily tuned her into a permanent victim. And just as her success was so intoxicating, her ending was just as breathtaking. Our hearts mourn her short-lived but rich life.
Marilyn’s endearing humanity was most clearly seen in my favorite movie “The Misfits”. All polarities of Marilyn’s talent and personality are so clearly felt in this film. Does anyone really understand what a fine actress she was?
Can one be an actor in Hollywood and preserve that type of sensitivity and vulnerability? I’d like to think that I have. But then again, I have never achieved success like Marilyn. But I will say, hold-on to it if you’ve got it. Protect yourself however you can. Don’t let other people rob you of your gentle heart. Don’t give it away either. Realize just how precious you are. And if you have to make some tough choices, always let your heart dictate.
As I write this in my Mariln Monroe Pajamas, I wonder, is she protecting me? Is that why I need her images and books all around me? She is a source of comfort. A symbol of strength and vulnerability. We can’t have one without the other. We need to look behind the glamorous and beautiful images of Marilyn, find and embrace the pieces of ourselves, and carry out her legacy by making our lives, and the lives around us, meaningful, well lived and well “acted”.
(Ps.I like to hug trees too. Funny huh?)
Strike One! Jut home from an audition for the new “In Living Color”. I was prepared to perform three original characters and a celebrity impression. My demise: my incredibly funny sketch of Kim Kardashian in a Sex and Love Addict’s meeting did not see the light of day. I was shutdown with a curt “Thank you”. Oh well. I’ll never be a “Fly Girl” or the next “Homey The Clown” or anyone on that show for that matter. Ces’t La Vie. I won’t let it keep me down. I never do.
The voice of SAG Award winner Vi0la Davis is still ringing in my ears from Sunday “Dream Big. Dream Fierce”. I have many more dreams in my magical hat. I’ll just pick another. Having said that, rejection stinks like a rotten fish.
I registered for my Boston Equity auditions in April. How wonderful it will be to work in my hometown at long last. In the meantime, Tinsletown has me ticking like a metronome. Always aspiring to hit a high note whether it’s a celebrity interview for my magazine, teaching an acting class, or perfecting the ultimate headshot. The notes compile into a symphony. The musical soundtrack of the long and epic movie I am living. We each compose our own life scores. Even the off-tune notes play a part. If we didn’t have them, how would we know when we are in tune? Or on track? We must fail miserably and succeed magnificently. We must experience the entire scale. Only then we will we have developed character, a solid sense of self and a philosophy on which to build the rest of our lives.
Two more strikes and many home runs to go! Bases are loaded with big dreams.
Ever feel like your life is defined by song lyrics?
“woah hooo, sometimes I get a good feeling…”
You said it. I’ve got a stupendous feeling about 2012. Geared-up for some serious good things to happen. Change baby change. That’s the name of the game. Spin the wheel of life and land in some new territory. Wherever it is, I will thrive and grow.
Exciting opportunities surround me. I am returning home to The Lee Strasberg Institute to teach in the Young Actor’s Program for ten weeks. I’m deeply honored and excited to be teaching a method class and directing a play. In preparation, I’ve been reading Lee’s work and reviewing my notes from my own years of study. I’m approaching the work with a fresh eye and feel more passionate then ever about it’s value, integrity and plain genuiousness. Sometimes when you step away from something, it works on you in the inside. It ferments, changes your inner workings and structures itself in a usable way. I am ready to make a contribution. To share and pass down the legacy I’ve been given.
“They have a name for the winners in the world, I want a name when I lose”.
Do you lose when you don’t get what you want? I couldn’t believe my good fortune to be sitting in front of director John Landis a couple of weeks ago. Called straight into Producer’s session, I starred at the funny bow-tied clad legend while he perused my resume and asked me questions. It should have been an easy booking: funny, sexy New Jersey character. But alas, the fates did not have it in store. So is it “losing” when you don’t get a role or the job that you want? And why isn’t it winning by just getting close to winning? Why does it have to be so cut and dry? You win or you lose. But I still consider myself a winner just for getting into that casting room. The closer I get the sooner I know it will happen. Being in the arena of success is intoxicating. Why after all this time do I still get so excited by Hollywood? How has my dreamed stayed so strong and so intact? I am in awe of whatever keeps me going. I don’t even take credit for it. It’s beyond me. Bigger then me. I’m here having the experience but something is guiding me. Keeping me pure and wholesome. Thank Goodness. I would hate to have become cynical.
“She’s young now, she’s wild now and she wants to be free”
I feel a restlessness to experience more of life. To travel. To see the world. It’s a constant tug between Hollywood and Life. If I leave, my Hollywood dream can’t come true. But I’m busting at the seams to be free. I can act anywhere (I keep telling myself) but I’m madly in love with this town. How can I be bored and in love at the same time? I’m going to the Equity auditions in Boston in April. Maybe I’ll land a role. Then go on to Broadway. I’m going to Europe in May. Perhaps I stay? Oh 2012, you offer so many wonderful opportunities. We can all start fresh. Clear the slate. Become to true to ourselves. Honor what we really need and have the courage to move in that direction (even if it means leaving something or someone behind). I wish all of you the best possible year yet. And most of all I wish you fulfillment. Nobody likes always wanting for something. Find it. No matter what obstacles you have to cross to get it. And in the meantime, find happiness in what you already have. Sometimes that’s the sweetest thing. Happy New Year!
(Thanks to Flo Rida and those other guys from the 70′s/80′s who wrote those cool lyrics)
Down the Rabbit hole I go…deeper and deeper…searching for an authentic place for myself. I’ll know this destination when I arrive. I will feel vindicated that all of my premonitions and predispositions toward a meaningful use of my talent will have been met. Not frittered it away chasing a golden carrot. So perhaps old dreams need to be replaced. How long can a dog chase its tale?
I’ve been writing-up a storm. Writing and blogging for two magazines is just what I needed. Not only is it providing me a rich opportunity to meet all types of creative people, but I can also see what I’ve accomplished on paper. The art modeling keeps me performing (and eating). I haven’t had an audition in well over a month. I can’t remember such a dry spell. Rest assured, a rainy season will come again. Right now I’m enjoying the sunshine that I’m creating myself.
Unfortunately, I was in a car accident on the 405. A woman smashed into me from behind. I’m happy to report that I am fine (my car is not so fine). What has lingered with me is the trauma of the hit. I’m paranoid driving now. Braking at the first sign of a car’s taillight in front of me. Looking in the rearview mirror to make sure no car is too close for comfort. How do we experience a trauma and go back to living life with ease and trust? How do we lose our emotional baggage? Whatever the case may be. I think we just have to leap back into the lane of life and resume our action. Assuming courage when we don’t have it helps break down the fear. Piece by piece. Then the memory dulls. Each day we prove to ourselves that we are okay. We will survive. We give ourselves no choice but to. Life is not for weaklings. That’s for sure. It takes bravery. It requires a trust in the intangible laws and flows of life. For instance, anyone who had lived long enough knows that things have a way of working themselves out. Messy strings get untangled (if not only to be entangled in another area). But there is a bigger plan. Often we have to force our eyes open and jump down that Rabbit Hole. I’m down there now. It’s not so scary if you don’t mind bumping into walls and redirecting yourself until you find your way. I’ll let you know when I come-out. Oh, and Alice says “Hi”.
I often get amusement out of selecting unusual and obscure movies on Netflix. So when “Lola Montes” arrived, I dove into it with a reckless abandonment. The true story of the allegedly “scandalous” life of this dancer and courtesan captured me. But Lola is more then meets the eye. She is smart, witty and very intuitive. She eloquently describes her philosophy of life as ”a movement”. I paused the movie. Mentally wrote it down. And it there it has stayed on my mind for days now.
Having had a recent epiphany on this very idea of “movement”, this seemed to solidify my very own conclusion. A healthy successful life must consist of a forward progression from one new thing to the next. Closing doors behind when needed. But above all else, living in the moment and moving forward with grace, unafraid of change and facing (with courage) the uncertainty of that which lies ahead. I think it best when disappointed with the outcome of a situation to move-on. Upon completion of a project, to move-on. Reached a goal? Go for the next one. Don’t get caught on a snag. However enticing the snag may be. Move like a dancer. Graceful and with purpose.
I finally made it on to late night! I had the good fortune of being cast in a comedy sketch on The Conan O’Brian Show this week. There is nothing more enjoyable then working with “funny” people. Anything goes and creative openness reigns supreme! Andy Richter was very gracious and kind. It’s like a family on that show. Wish they’d adopt me.
I filmed my third Diary webisode. Let’s just say its waaaay out there! But I finally wrote a piece that I’ve wanted to do for a long time. One hint: I got very messy. Utube offered me paid advertising today. I must be doing something right. I think.
What’s ahead? Cutting a hosting reel. I want to put more energy into writing and journalism. The art modeling is wonderful but a certain part of my brain is missing the zing of speaking, questioning, probing, answering…
I feel extremely excited about trying new things. Moving. Physically and emotionally. I’ve stayed in one place a long time. I’m living life on the hot seat now. Burns a little but better then digging myself in an igloo with no way out.
Dear Diary,
How could I skip writing in September? I’ve been so involved living my life, that I forgot to write about it. I’m dizzy with the joy of living!
Change is in the air. It’s as tangible as the falling autumn leaves. I’m exploring so many long forgotten sides of myself including my former position career as a journalist. I began the month filming a corporate video. I then I accepted a position as “Events Editor” (i.e. I get to cover the “happening”events) for InHollywood Magazine. And this weekend I’ll be the celebrity correspondent for a wonderful charity event “New York in Hollywood” at the CBS Radford Studios. From TV stars to Congressman, I’ll be rocking the red carpet in my pink silk shantung dress.
I also signed on with a new talent manager. Time to try new opportunities. Examine unchartered territories. None of this would have been possible if I hadn’t been willing to close some long open doors. I find change to be extremely difficult. As a Leo, I am extremely loyal. I attribute much of this new courage to my art modeling career. I am constantly putting myself in new situations and I am learning to LEAP and embrace the excitement of new adventures. I feel incredibly alive and in the moment. Working in arenas other then acting has also alleviated some of the pressure I was feeling. There are many ways to be fulfilled. and the leash and collar of Hollywood can be loosened or taken off easily if one steps away from it for a time. I need to know I can stand on my own two feet and be happy with myself whether I succeed in Hollywood or not. I want to have a variety of interests and activities that are uniquely mine and available to me wherever I go and live. I need to reclaim my identity as a person first, and actress second.
I had the rare opportunity to sit in Conan O’Brien’s guest chair yesterday. I was visiting a friend who is staff member on the show. I must say, it felt very comfortable. Like I could belong there. It’s still a ways away but one thing is for sure, I’ll have plenty of stories to tell when I get there. Plenty. Until then, I’ll keep exploring. Living the stories.
I am floating after a peaceful two-week vacation. Although a mean hurricane named Irene threatened to intervene, she did not succeed (with me anyhow). Instead she provided me a nurturing “stay -at -home -day” with my dear Mama’. Merci Irene. Why does it take a Hurricane to rethink one’s life and priorities or to simply rest? As always, I am reinvigorated from a break from my usual hectic LA life. This will fortify me for the months to come. Glancing through my remaining 2011 calendar, I see that I have fit in appointments and jobs like a sardine in a can. But I prefer it this way. LA is not always my playground. It is my boot camp. How in the world will I finish writing my new play by December? It will certainly require some divine inspiration. My producer would like it ready by January. Having this deadline in mind is tres’ exciting! Along with this goal, I will finish filming “The Vamps Next Door” this week, film my viral diary in September and hope for tv and film auditions. My art modeling has taken on a world of it’s own. I have several bookings at video game and greeting card companies along with my regular art schools, movie studios and galleries. Then there is the corporate voiceover and video next week. Just thinking about it all demands another vacation. And don’t think I haven’t thought about my next foray back east. If I can’t be bicoastal (yet) I will keep making these tri monthly trips. Home is where the heart is and a girl can only take so much long distance.
I will never actually complain about too much work. It’s part of who I am and what I am here to do.
The poet Rumi says: “Let the beauty be what we do. There are hundreds of ways to kneel and touch the ground”.
I identify with this thought. It also implies that everything is holy. It is the intention with which we approach our work. Even our daily tasks, routines, interactions with others. And having this intention keeps us aware of other people’s feelings. We can respect each other and realize that no job is too small or unimportant. Before I perform on stage, I always like to take a moment to look out into the dark empty audience and create a relationship of gratitude and love for the people who will be sharing the play with me. It’s not about me, it’s about us. I want to make room for a compassionate and honest connection before a single soul enters.
Rumi also implies that there is gratitude to be found in what we do. So I practice saying thank you for every experience. For a kind cast, a talented make-up artist, an encouraging yet demanding director, an understanding employer, for receiving creative ideas, for the ability to express them, for having the stamina to pursue my acting year after year, for a healthy strong body that keeps up with the rigorous schedule I demand of it. Saying thank you even when I’m tired and frustrated keeps me in a “kneeling” position even when I’m standing-up.
Can a person be in many places at one time? Seems I can. I ‘m an airhockey puck rickishaying off life. I’m charged and ready for adventure. Art modeling is so artistically fulfilling that I had to start a separate blog (www.rachelbailit.com/artdiary). However it is the acting that remains the driving force in my life. Like a lover, every time I leave, I come back with more passion and desire. I had a second meeting with a producer at Warner Brothers this week. Driving on that lot is like giving candy to a sugar addict. The smell of the soundstages, the bustle of production, the history of Hollywood that beckons “Be a part of me”. The meetings have no real agenda, which means that anything could develop. I left with his verbal promise to send my new reel to a top agent. This is reassuring. At the same time, I count on nothing or no one. Not one person has a greater power to make things happen then myself. Remember the old adage “Don’t put all of your eggs in one basket”…spread them around. That’s what I do. I spread myself around. I invest my energy in many projects. Perhaps it’s a way of not getting my heart broken or my eggs crushed. I believe that any kind of waiting leads to disparity and creative blockage. Keep moving. Create every chance you can. Make art out of ideas. Masterpieces out of passing thoughts. Life is your material and it’s free and fertile for the plucking.
I have begun writing a second one-woman show. It’s a hefty endeavor and I am glad to be working with a Theatre Producer in New York. I’m curious to do it again. I love solo performing and miss it tremendously. My ideas are flowing freely and I only desire the time for me to write them down. This coming month will be a busy one. I am filming two more episodes of the webisode series “The Vamps Next Door” and then starting preproduction on episode three of my own viral diary. Next plan, another vacation so I can clear my head and resume my work. I think stops and starts are beneficial. Art needs time to reflect. People need space to take-in the magnitude of their lives. Without this time it all passes by and you’re left wondering if you fell asleep during the best part of your own movie. Take an active role in slowing down to think about what you’re actually doing on this planet. We don’t need to be zombie workaholics driven by a need to succeed. We need to have full rich balanced lives to live. Those are the Oscar worthy lives. We need to live with intention and will. It takes confronting the little monster in us that says, “run, run… it’s too scary to stop and look”. It can be terrifying to face reality. It’s easier to live in a movie script or even someone else’s reality show. But this is YOUR American Idol and YOU are the Idol we are all waiting to hear sing. Not an imposter running around madly in your body. Show us your true inner song. You will always be idolized for being the true you.
It’s almost August, “The Dog Days of Summer”. Ever watch a dog nap? They have no guilt or concern doing so. They just role over and stick their paws in the air and snooze. Time to do that.
“To Live Doesn’t Mean Your Alive” raps pink haired pop star Nicki Minaj.
“Live your Life,” shouts the window of the American Eagle clothing store.
What does it mean to really live your life? Well to live is a verb. It implies action. And when your told to “live your life”, it suggests doing something differently, perhaps in larger and more elevated way then you are currently doing.
And to dish-out some more pressure, what does it mean to not only live but also be “alive”? It seems that a having a mere pulse is not enough. We must be present and fully engaged in our life. Awake. Conscious of what we are doing.
Step it up. Take it to the next notch. How far can we go to capitalize on this experience? Feeling overwhelmed? Don’t. It’s a wonderful thing to check the gage on the life your driving. We all have the ability to apply more pressure on our gas pedals. We have a reserve that is rarely tapped into. So maybe it’s ok for people, stores, our culture, to pose these questions. Sure they’re selling clothing but more then that, they are selling a philosophy to their customers. And that’s what makes for smart advertising.
We all want exciting lives. For instance, I would rather be sailing on the Mediterranean on this hot summer day then sitting at my retail job. I know the Vida Loca awaits me. I may not find it as an actress. Too much struggling and sacrifice. But I’m no dummy; I know what I “could” have with a few life changes.
But life is not all about the glamour. It’s in the details. That’s where life really hides. In the subtle shifts, decisions, moods, challenges, adventures, disappointments, responsibilities, giggles, hungers, desires, passions, secrets, whispers…embrace it all. Be present and cognizant. And volia, you are alive.! You don’t need to climb Mount Everest to say you’ve truly “lived”. You need to get “into” the daily moments, get involved in them, take it all in and give yourself to them with abandonment. And above else. appreciate them. Because they make-up your life story. Your own biography starring YOU!
I seem to be spending an extraordinary amount of energy into promoting my viral diaries. I don’t do the same with my writing but it’s as if the very moment I film my writing, it becomes a different animal. Sometimes I think I’m playing an old CD in my head and it needs to be taken off the playlist . Not everything I do has to become a TV series. Some expressions are simply what they are and do not have to be commercialized. But alas, the rent has to be paid and why not pay it doing something I love? Ah, the old dilemma of the idealist versus the realist. The two shall never meet. Or shall they or should they…? Stay tuned…sure, change the channel but be sure to come back or I’ll miss you.
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